A Letter to My First, Before You’re No Longer My Only

Before you, I was merely drifting through life. I longed so badly for a purpose; something to make the days worthwhile. And then I was blessed with you. I could hardly wait for the flutters and tiny jabs you would give me; a constant reminder that I wasn’t alone. As you grew, my soul did too. The weeks inched on and I patiently waited for the day I could finally hold you in my arms.

And just like that, you were here. You filled my arms and overflowed my heart. So, this was pure joy; a feeling I had never experienced before. How had I ever lived a life without you in it? As I embarked on my journey into motherhood, I was surprised by the feeling of uncertainty. Wasn’t this all supposed to come naturally? But as the obstacles appeared, I found myself pushing through with a fierceness I hadn’t possessed before. You gave me a strength that I never knew I needed.

Watching you grow was like watching a miracle. Everything you did was my favorite thing. Your giggles echoing through the room were an orchestra; your eyes lit up like stars in a distant night sky. I studied everything about you……always afraid I would miss something. Every day was a new adventure for you and I. In those years, we became forever intertwined.

When the thought of a second child began swirling through my mind, I instantly thought of you. Surely you would love to have a sibling to grow up with, so why did I feel so guilty? Would I have enough love for the two of you? Could I spread myself evenly so that neither of you ever felt left out? Was loving another child as much as I loved you even possible? And then it happened; another blessing was on the way. I was both ecstatic and heartbroken, because I knew it would no longer be just you and I.

…..I loved you first

My pregnancy has been a blur, because you keep me on my toes. I am still very much only yours for now; I think you really enjoy that. But as the weeks pass by, I find myself anxious about the changes to come. Three will become four, and life will be different for all of us. But I hope that you know my love for you will never change. You will forever be the child that made me a mama. Your tiny toes were the first to ever keep me up at night. The years we spent together, just you and I, made me into the woman I am today. I never knew love before I had you, my dear. And although my heart will soon love another child, always remember that I loved you first.