To My Husband, When I’ve Forgotten You
My Sweet Husband,
Life is busy these days. You work tirelessly to provide for us while I chase a toddler who is hardly tired at all. The days are long and the nights are exhausting. At the end of the day, we collapse into bed, unable to utter another word. We say our goodnights and as you drift off to sleep, I lie awake and realize that I have forgotten you again.
You & I…
Before there was all of us, it was just you and I. We had the most fun together; going on adventures, staying up late and taking random drives at 2 am. Our worlds revolved around each other…..a constant loop of love and laughter. But my mind was always looking toward the future. I desperately wanted to jump to the next step in our relationship: children. As bad as I wanted to experience parenthood with you, I look back now and wish I had savored those moments of just “us” a little longer.
And Then There Were Three…
When we decided to bring a child into the world, I was overjoyed. I dreamed of how wonderful it would be when we welcomed that sweet baby into our lives. I was looking forward to this new adventure with you, but I wasn’t prepared for how much things would change. Once our baby arrived, our world was never the same. The adventures we once had were replaced with forcing ourselves out of the house for a grocery trip. Now, when we stayed up late, it was with a fussy baby. And our once peaceful 2 am drives only had one purpose: getting the baby to sleep.
Our focus was no longer on each other and as the months passed by, we started to drift apart. With the responsibility of a baby came more stress than either of us had ever experienced. We became each other’s personal punching bag. I started to feel lost and alone. It wasn’t your fault; how could you help someone who swore they didn’t need it? I began pushing you away and you obliged, afraid to make the situation worse. Things only went downhill from there and I had no idea that postpartum depression was to blame.
After an entire year of turmoil, I finally decided I needed to get help. Therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself and our family. But, when you finally came clean about how I had made you feel in the first year of our child’s life, I was devastated. You told me about feeling left out and how you’d felt like I didn’t trust your abilities as a father. It was the farthest thing from the truth, but I couldn’t change the past; I could only work on a better future.
We are very much in the midst of the most chaotic period of our life together; and I’m sure things won’t be calming down any time soon. Three is about to become four, and as we prepare to welcome our second child, I am praying we don’t go through the same struggles again. Motherhood takes everything out of me and then some. I constantly struggle to balance being both a wife and a mother. But, I promise that I will do my best to remember who I was before I was “mama”: I was yours. Before we know it, our nest will be empty and it will be just the two of us again. So, hold on to me tightly through this crazy season of life and always know that you are my rock, my sanity, and my very best friend.
I love you.
Forever & Always.